Anxiety and depression are no joke

I talked about perimenopause in my last post. But I need to talk some more about some specific symptoms today….

I dealt with the blues in my adolescence and early 20s, now and then….And I’ve always been a bit of a worrier…nothing really serious. But this stuff that perimenopause is throwing at me is “fer really real,” y’all. I had no idea what this really felt like until now. I’ve read and heard about depression and anxiety for years….but WOW. I am impressed. This is some serious stuff.

It doesn’t help that the last 6 months or so have thrown me some life experiences that have seriously rocked my world. And one after another, with very little break. I’m not sure I’d handle it any better if I was NOT dealing with all these hormones. It’s pretty intense.  But to throw them at me while I’m going through the turmoil of perimenopause and all that she has to dish up to me daily…that’s just not fair.

Come on, life, cut a mom a break, will ya??

This is a time when I need to surround myself with my closest friends, and that circle is shrinking. But I am so extremely grateful for the ones that have been there for me…even though I must tire them with my unloading. (I mean what I say, friends…You MUST RECIPROCATE and unload on me too soon! I WANT YOU TO! Friendship is 2 ways, ya know…I am here for you guys too. Actually I feel like I probably would be better for someone else than for myself right now. It would be nice to think of someone else’s problems for a change.)

Seriously, these friends, and they know who they are, mean the WORLD to me.

And my husband. Oh my husband. He’s my lifeline. Seriously. I have the world’s best hubby.  He is there for me. He loves me completely, and I feel it. And maybe even more importantly during all this…he makes me laugh daily.

And my kids…they are my life. I live for them when things get rough like this. I live for making their lives better. And they make MY life better. They need a whole mom, and dammit, that’s what I’m going to give them. It just will take awhile to figure out how to do that again.

And my brother. Second only to my husband in my life. Thank you, bro, for always being there for me. I tear up when I think of it.

And my parents….oh the crap I’ve made them listen to me whine about over the years…so patient, so loving. More tears. I love you guys.

So I have finally seen a doctor, and I have hope that I’m finally going to get the help that I so very much need right now.  A referral to a therapist is happening. Finally. And there may be anti-depressants in my future. In the meantime, I am searching the net for ways to cope.

And what I found is that there are actually a lot of homeschooling moms that are educating their kids while struggling with depression.  That is oddly comforting to me.

And since I always have a very strong need to share my feelings…to get them out…because it feels oh so much better…I thought I’d write this blog post to try to get a little out. And then also to give a heads up to what’s going on with me, why Noodle Homeschool and the Savvy Homeschool Moms podcast have been so often on hiatus these past 6 months or more…and maybe my post might help someone else not feel alone. Because that’s how those other posts out there about homeschooling with depression have made me feel.

I’m not going to go into it all here, though…because there’s some personal stuff that I don’t feel like airing my dirty laundry about. And some of it I am not allowed to share, as there are loved ones whose privacy would be at risk.  And those parts aren’t for me tell. They are their stories, and I’m just along for the painful ride. Trying to help where I can, while keeping myself together, worrying about them, and dealing with my own life events. GAH.

But suffice it to say that my world lately has pretty much been a roller coaster of events and emotions, and sprinkled into the mix, the feelings of having the hope and joy ripped from my embrace unkindly.  Replaced by feelings of sadness, anxiousness, fear, and flat out RAGE. Yay.

But I’m a survivor. And I know there will be light at the end of this miserable tunnel and I’m determined to get there. So for now, I will follow the advice I’m reading online….I will make short to-do lists to check off so I can finally feel accomplished. I will cherish the NOW, and just do the NEXT THING. I will get outside into nature more because that means so much to me personally. It’s always been so uplifting and energizing. I will try to get more exercise. I will try to give my children the opportunities to experience the fun that I am incapable of currently giving them. I will listen to my iTunes playlist of “calming music” that helps center me. I will laugh with my husband and kids daily, because I can’t not. They are just that weird.  And when the time is right, I will unburden this pain in my heart to the appropriate people…even if it’s just to a therapist and my husband.

If you’re also struggling with anxiety and depression while homeschooling, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Misery loves company, ya know. We are not alone. We can still provide a quality education for our children, despite these setbacks…and we will get past the low times. I know we will. Right now I just am aiming for getting a day without these crushing feelings of overwhelm and sadness.

One. day. at. a. time.  It will happen. I know this.  And until then…thank you for having patience with me.

P.S. These articles helped me…maybe they will help you too:
And the overwhelming amount of comments on these articles makes me feel like there’s a LOT of us out there dealing with this. It’s sad, but comforting.

Homeschooling with depression: The hardest part of Shawna’s homeschool year

https://web.archive.org/web/20201203230558/https://www.brightideaspress.com/2013/04/homeschooling-with-depression/